Some of you might be thinking about adopting a child. It’s a noble cause: helping an unfortunate child find a home and giving them a new lease on life. You are practically Ghandi, unlike Ghandi you should probably not sleep naked next to these children to show your will power; it is frowned upon and sweaty.
Adoption has a lot of pluses. You are forgoing the icky fatness caused by regular breeding, not to mention all those hospital visits and the vaginal elasticity problems or scars. Cesareans are awesome and all, there are entire film industries and genres based on cutting into women’s torsos, but you may be a prostitute, stripper, or pornstar; do you really want to risk your career when you have the added expense of a child? With all that it seems like an easy decision, like in The Clashes “Should I Stay or Should I Go” sure one might suck (I mean be a blessing) but the other is going to suck twice as much (I mean be a bundle of joy). With all the benefits of adoption comes a lot of issues, let’s try to solve some of these problems and fill your place with kids before you can say “tax write off”.
Adopt a White Baby: If you are going to take away one thing from this article make sure it’s to get your hands on a white child. It’s not a matter of bigotry. Outside of aesthetics there is no difference between a white kid and a minority. Think of them as white or black iPhones it’s the same specs in a different package. But, in this case the black iPhone has to worry about racism/injustice, sickle cell and unless you’re black you’re probably going to screw up their hair. I’m saying that everyone should adopt himself or herself a white baby regardless of your personal ethnicity.
You know how some argue against macs and pc’s? It’s the same thing. You can get high quality items on both sides of the debate, but the white kids just work, if you’re looking into adoption you’re probably at least middle class, that means that you are either a minority minority (the well off Black or Hispanic), White, or Asian/Indian (same thing in for these purposes.). The white kids are going to integrate seamlessly into their surroundings. You won’t have to wait for equality upgrades, and the Caucasian models come with complimentary acceptance software. There is also the benefit of the business world. White has for a long time been an industry standard and the child will integrate into any office environment with minimal tweaks.
You want to try your best to get a male child for many of the same reasons, also try to check for any possible homosexuality. There is a misconception that you can tell by holding them upside down and looking at the patterns on their feet. The only method proven to work is to check for effeminate crying and look out for favorable reactions to Bravo television programing.
Disclaimer: You will have to watch out for melanoma, but this issue usually doesn’t show up till far after it’s time to upgrade, do look for any defects such as mixed children that appear white, Eastern Europeans (it’s a little different and may not be for early adopters), and inbreeding (Whites have been in the same places for long periods of time and tend to come with a possibility of hardware being switched around). Make sure to check thoroughly when you receive the child and to get it back to the agency before the warranty expires. DO NOT open your child or replace any components while they are still under warranty.
Obtaining the Child: This seems to be a difficult step for many aspiring owners/parents. The gays can get kids now, which is terrific, go you! However, even though the difficultly has lowered for some it doesn’t negate the overall struggles that exist in obtaining a child. Let’s recap our wants for the ideal child: White straight male for ease of use, Young and impressionable for compatibility, and devoid of defects like mental illness or slower learning capacity (this was not previously mentioned but should be an obvious part of the buying process).
These children are in very high demand. It’s a supply and demand market: people want the white kids, and white people just aren’t producing and distributing enough to go around these days. You’ll be tempted to get a domestic store brand minority child, or a cheaper Chinese knock off. While cost effective, this is a get what you pay for product. So go the extra mile and get the white one, the money you’ll make on the improved salaries and cronyism will far out weigh the negatives of higher initial cost and suntan lotion. Also you’ll save on diapers because the lack of melanin causes them to poop considerably less than darker kids.
Shopping around is a big part of the process, like most industries these days, you’ll most likely find cheaper selections on the Internet, but you’ll want to make sure that it’s not a scam site. Many places out there have very poor customer service and might end up sending out a different model than requested which results in a lot of excess shipping costs.
Make sure to go to a local brick and mortar store to try out a similar build. Get to know the child so that you can obtain an accurate feeling of what parenting will be like. Tell them your name, learn theirs, and have them call you mom or dad. You’ll want to try to visit over the course of about two weeks as often as possible. You should also let the child think that you are generally interested in taking him home, that way their reactions are genuine, this will also keep the shop owners from becoming suspicious. Temptation to get this child may occur, but hold strong because you really can’t beat the online prices and very few shops will price match.
Pro Tip: Some sites have lower overheads due to streamlined production techniques, such as baby mills, good use of persuasion, and in some cases aggressive acquisition. This is good means to get a great quality unit for a fraction of the price. It’s best to use a proxy in this case because the legal child obtaining service has used their monopoly on the market to lobby hard against the trafficking of children.
Permits and Legality: I don’t want to get too political in this guide, but certain nanny state policies have caused a lot of red tape in the kid acquisition process. Background checks, wait periods, and even fourth amendment violating home visits are not uncommon. From what I’ve heard and seen it’s best to legitimately work within the system because unlike the uneducated children, these people are much harder to fool. Although it can be done with enough knowledge and research, fraud isn’t worth it for the average person. (If you’ve had bad luck in the past like felony convictions, being on the sex offenders list or large levels of weaponry and BDSM paraphernalia you may need to try some out of the box solutions, this also applies to minorities and gays trying to get the prime white babies, despite the new laws)
Just learn how to display your best qualities. Can you juggle knives or breath fire? Show them. The same applies for all talents. You’ll also want to show off knowledge of cheeses and floor tiles. Nothing says, “I can handle a white baby” like knowledge of cheese and tiles. You may think that showing off goods is a logical way to prove worth, but this isn’t the same as getting to make a traditional child. Showing off possessions is traditionally seen as an African American trait due to the documentary filmmaking of MTV’s Cribs, BET and Source Magazine.
Lie to the Kid– If you’ve been able to secure a white baby then your next step is lying. If the kid asks you if they were adopted then you’ve already lost a lot of ground on this one and while you should still lie, at this level it’s going to take a lot of various deceitful tactics. You’ll have to distort and twist the kid’s perception of the world and make him question his existence so that origin isn’t really his first thoughts. A good trick is to introduce him to the idea of death and the concept of becoming nothing, this will cause a fixation that will occupy the time that they’d usually spend thinking about whether or not you’re their real parents.
If you manage to catch them early, before memory development you’re going to have a much easier time constructing their reality. Babies have an even lower level of knowledge than small children. This means that developing the lie is much easier and you can prepare and mold his mind to the concept. Since the only real work you have to do with the child itself is not telling them they’re adopted, you should spend this free time developing a fake baby book and falsifying legal documents. This way even if they turn out to look nothing like either of you, or get clued in by a careless friend or relative of yours you have a great defense. Children aren’t known for their detective skills or critical thinking so a decent printer and working knowledge of Photoshop should easily solve the problem. A bronzed baby shoe is a nice touch. For those who really want to instill the lie, grab a scrap of organ meat or turkey gizzard dip it in something that resembles blood, dry it out, and place it in the baby book marked as an umbilical cord piece.
Maintenance: One of the hardest parts about the white baby is making sure to properly care for it. It may seem odd given the expression, but you do not want to treat them like you’re wearing kid gloves. While you did spend a lot on the item, it’s similar to a high-end sports car: It performs best when it’s being used excessively and pushed to its limits. If you managed to get a baby you’re going to want to work it in. The old technique of oiling it and wrapping it around a baseball with rubber bands over night does help but not as much as you’d expect.
You’re going to want to break it in further, expose it to high and low temperatures (within reason. Use your common sense.) Also, slight amounts of alcohol paired with cigarette smoke will build a tolerance that they’ll carry into adulthood. If you become agitated do not beat the small child, this will damage your investment as will furious shaking. Blowing on the cartridge is okay but may introduce corrosive moisture. It’s best to use compressed air on the child.
Once your child has the ability to develop memories and empathy you’ll want to make sure that they can respond to outside stimuli. This is the point where teaching hand-to-hand combat is important. You’re going to have to take a different approach though, teaching them defensive or offensive techniques are only temporary solutions. Inflicting various forms of pain and verbal abuse will develop their abilities to take beatings from outsiders making them essentially invincible. Make sure that you’ve had at least a healthy amount of alcohol prior, that way if they need to defend themselves in a bar fight later on in life olfactory based instincts will kick in and allow for faster response times.
It’s important for both you and the child to keep these practice sessions secret, so that attackers don’t gain the advantage. A good trick is to tell them it’s a secret and that Santa Claus won’t come if they tell, keep instilling this belief by giving them coal each Christmas and explaining that it’s because they thought about telling someone and exposing the secret skills.
Be Prepared for The Unexpected: Accidents can happen regardless of preparation and know how. Maybe they fall in a pool or trip down the basement stairs after celebrating the winning of a local pageant, accidentally tying themselves to a chair and dying in the process. Another common mishap is backing over them with a car; many of them are very quiet and attracted to blind spots. Contrary to popular belief it’s usually easier to invest in a new model than it is to rebuild or repair damaged ones. You will have to pay for shovels and various lawn care products, or a decent amount of sulfuric acid and a bathroom remodel but it’s still less expensive than legal fees and relocating.
For the new child just repeat the previous steps. Some of you DIYers out there might not suffer a total loss with the replacement. If you have the storage space and decent preservation knowledge you can hold on to the bricked model (Side note: Brick walls are a very antiquated means of disposal and don’t fool most investigators). If you keep the parts you can either use them to maintain the new child or possibly sell them back to the same sites you purchased from. You’ll want to sell separate because most of these parts are specialty and used only by hobbyists in rebuilds.
So there you go, you should be knee deep in children by now, depending on what position you’re storing them (just kidding!!!) horizontally is the only appropriate way to store them during their sleep mode. Although, if you need to keep them running but out of the way make sure that a cupboard or another similarly compact space is used to avoid any room for mishaps.
– Cameron Patton