My Sexless Life: The Things I’ve Learned

Dentist

There are certain niche groups who for whatever reason decide to abstain from sex, the strongly religious, the recovering addict, the emotionally distraught and people who are just purely asexual (there are some good, bad, and neutral exceptions to these rules). This article is not about them. It’s about me, because I’m a narcissist who doesn’t want to do research.

I don’t have sex. I’m not a member of any group that mandates a sexless existence. I’m not asexual, at least not to the point that I would describe my orientation that way. I’ve had plenty of enjoyable sex in the past, not huge numbers, but enough of an amount to make me a normal member of society. I’m also not ugly, well, I think I’m not and I think that others think I’m not so who knows. So, why the no sex?

I’m capable of the act of sex, and I’m a fan of relationships and closeness. I’m also on a lot of drugs, some for depression and anxiety, some for mood disorders, and others for various other mental disturbances. These drugs make me a functioning part of society, but they also decrease the shit out of my libido. It’s not a matter of won’t or can’t; it’s just indifference. The thing about no sex and no interest is that it causes you to notice a lot of weird things about people and their sex craved adventures. It turns you into the Jane Goodall of carnal things. So let’s talk about sex baby.

People Who Fuck are Fucking Insane: People aren’t insane for thinking about fucking, that be like saying people are insane for wanting ice cream. People who are  finding, having and keeping sex are just insane as a by-product of the squishies. People will lie, cheat, and create entire fantasy lives for sex. They change their world outlooks based on what getting laid means to them. They’ll do things that are devoid of all reason. I’ve seen people fake British accents for entire nights to get sex. Other examples include driving hundreds of miles, spending hundreds of dollars on drinks and food, and being in Coldplay or similar bands. Do you think that playing in that band could be fun in anyway? They’ve made what is arguably the most boring music on record and they’re probably shittier to play than they are to listen to, sex has to be keeping them going, that and money. For a related example see Gwyneth Paltrow, she is just terrible, like not Stalin or Pol Pot terrible. It’s more like scratching fingernails against a bad texture terrible. I get queasy after like 25 minutes of her; can you imagine spending everyday looking at that stupid stupid face? Sex is the only thing that can possibly explain that kind of behavior.

People Think In Terms of Sex: The whole males thinking of sex every 7 seconds is a myth. It would make completing papers hard as shit. It would also make being a 2nd grade teacher super awkward. The truth is that instead of thinking of sex all the time: men, women, and those whose gender varies, all think in a frame of sex. Life is a Mise en Abyme (story within a story), sure you write or you paint or you play music. You love these acts independent of sex, but I bet you that you cross check these things with the idea of getting sex. I once had a friend who would edit anything that might prevent him from getting laid from his writing. Sure, it made the writing shittier but it made his dick happier. For similar proclivities look towards those who are politically motivated for or against sex, which brings me to my next point…

 

Sex Makes People Passionate: The idea that people are passionate with sex seems like a kind of duh phrase, but it’s not just during or leading up to sex. People are always fighting for or against sex. They’re always arguing about sex. Whether it’s for or against porn or prostitution, or it’s meddling all up in the gay’s business (lgbt side is definitely about equality but the opposing view point is really sex motivated). People end entire marriages and relationships because of sex. People forgo deep personal connections because sex is shitty. People get thrown in jail for sex-motivated things. I’m not talking about violent rape here, because I don’t want to get into the whole power or sex debate. I’m talking about public sex, jealousy crimes, and those fascinated with things they shouldn’t be (kids, animals, and the like). Now that last one is rape as well but it’s fetishist rape and the motives are different.

The Sex Industry Isn’t Just the Old Stick and Poke Business: Porn and other sex for money activities are part of this group, but it’s not a topic that needs much flushing out. The alcohol industry, the clothing industry, shit even parts of the food and mining industries are about sex to varying degrees. Bars have ladies nights, beers use big-busted women, clothes are marketed as sexy, Carl’s Jr. is selling sexy hamburgers and if you think that diamonds are for fun then you’re just silly. See also: Cars, Technology, Music, Books, Housing, and Pharmaceuticals. I’m not saying these industries wouldn’t exist without sex, I’m just saying they’d be very different.

 

Living Without Sex Makes You Awkward: When I go into a conversation I try to make common grown as a normal person would do. I attempt wit and charm, the whole being a human gambit. I still stumble hard when it comes to sex talking, which I’ve noticed is a lot of talking. It’s the same as my relationship to sports. I used to know about it and do it, and my dad gave me weird advice on it: never date a woman with breasts larger than your head and don’t bend your left arm when you swing a golf club. I have no idea what’s going on in sports anymore and I don’t train anymore, so when people start talking teams and exercise I just kind of say stuff I remember and hope the conversation doesn’t go too deep into the subject. The same is true for sex. I can talk about past sex and shit I used to do, but when it comes to current sex attempts, masturbatory habits and new sexy inventions I can’t think of shit to say. I jerk off like once a week and that’s just because I remember that it’s a thing I can do when I’m bored.

 

Without Sex Things Become Super Abstract: When most people think about pornography or dating they just react, either that or they strategize. I just sit and analyze everything. I’m super fascinated with porn in an aesthetic sense. I interview pornstars, talk about the history and development of porn, and look at the business and technology behind the movies. I also watch porn to see how it’s marketed and to see how interpersonal relationships in it works. I can’t think about sex with a person without thinking about brain chemistry, human development, and social interactions. I once developed an unhealthy interest in the invention of the almost ubiquitous condom packaging design and dildo advertisement theories.

 

All these things lead to the obvious comparison and conclusion. Sex and drugs are the same things. They cause you to think in terms of getting your brain to produce shit that makes you happy. They  make body things happen that are cool. They can be harmful if they aren’t treated and used properly. There are similar stupid laws against them, and violent illegal practices involving them. So coming from a bystander sex appropriately.

Side Note: That last thought makes me think that I’d either write the best or worst 90’s PSA’s.

-Cameron Patton

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