Analogy of the One Night Stand

I have a sort of fascination with one-night-stands. Not, necessarily in the traditional get sex with no strings way, because,  it never it never turns out that way. If you  look into the one night stand you can see the entire complexity of romantic relations play out like a montage of dating, compressed in to one sordid night.

Image from some movie called One Night Stand that I know nothing about.

Image from some movie called One Night Stand that I’ve never heard of.

The Meeting

All people have their own thoughts on the exact time eminent sex is decided. Whether it’s in the first minutes or after thoughtful/interesting conversation. Whenever the moment occurs you’ll eventually get to a point where there is a general idea of “I want my parts to meet this person’s parts”. In the dating world this can take days, weeks, or months of preparation. You’ll have to learn likes and dislikes, continue to pay adequate attention and find each other’s boundaries. The same complexities exist in the one night coital affair.  The wondering, the worrying, the infatuation, all there, you’ve just condensed it into about four to eight hours where you’re in the mutual attraction zone. The cosmically arranged moment were both parties decide that even though they’ve known bus drivers for longer amounts of time they’re going to sex it up.

The Hook Up

First kisses are really the worst thing imaginable. Chris Rock (my main role model, a title which he shares with Otis Reading and Hannibal of Carthage) described it as double-dutch in one of those classic movies where he just plays himself doing stand up while he kind of half acts out a convoluted plot. It hurts me to say it but although the joke is hilarious it’s not accurate, the double-dutch analogy implies that with a certain skill-level success happens, you just have to time it out and wait. If you’re  horrible at reading signals, slipped up on saying sexy words, or the other person is thinking about somebody they wrote a missed connection for  while pretending they know you exist you’re going to fall on some of that jump rope. It all comes down to luck and skill. So maybe the double-dutch analogy works but you’d have to be blindfolded and have your feet bound.


Some might argue this is the most important part of the one-night-stand, the organ grinding. Well it’s the result and the perceived goal , but really it’s just actions. You can argue a deeper symbolic meaning of entering someone and becoming part of them, but really it’s just you moving up against something for a few minutes while both of you try to imitate animal voices or whatever it is that R. Kelly tells me about how sex works. (A lot of my one-nighters have been pretty heavily alcohol fueled so I’m just going to go with a trusted sexual expert on descriptions). For further reference watch either sex planet or the zoo on YouTube.


Feeling are the true crux of the one night stand .We like to say that “We’re over attachment/games and just want to lay pipe or vag tackle”, but if we’re being for real for realz it just isn’t true. We all feel lonely or distant. We feel that cold and like we’re  facing everything in our lives without intimacy.  Whether it’s an emotional lighting rod or release valve, or a misery loves company thing, something eventually happens to you and the other person and all of this pent-up shit gets thrown in to the mixture of you guys. Emotions figuratively get all up in this bitch (literally they do as well, because jokes)You are about to project every longing and love, every lose and hurt, every thing that works as a catalyst in your life into a human being whose name you either don’t remember or can’t pronounce. Arguments may occur for no reason, condoms, the butt,  fake periods. Who likes it rough? Who has issues?

One-nights are cataclysmic combinations of anything and everything that you fear, love, long for and dread. Which makes them awesome and sad, like Wes Anderson movies, or Wes Craven movies or movies about people with dogs.

So should you do it? Yes.  Should you avoid it? Yes. Is anything definite? Who knows? Just go out there and have fun kids. Then immediately regret said fun look in the mirror with disgust and call your mother to tell her that you’re really upset about not having enough body lotion (cause you can’t tell the truth but you really want to complain about things.).

– Cameron Patton

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