The Man Crushes You Try to Imitate

If there is one thing I learned from 90’s and cartoons and episodes of 7Th Heaven it’s that you should learn to be yourself. That being true to who you are is the easiest way to happiness. If there is one thing I’ve learned from life it’s that those ideas are bullshit. If you want to be truly happy, like end of an 80’s sitcom happy, the only way to success is by imitating other people. These people have already been themselves and they’ve been themselves better than you can be yourself. So don’t fight it – just give in. They’re all actors, because actors be themselves by being other people and that’s why you should be them.

Joseph Gilgun:

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Chances are you think that you’re Gilgun. The quick-witted lovable asshole who always knows the right wrong thing to say. He’ll chime in at the exact right time with one liners that will make sphincters cringe and people laugh. That’s who you think you are. The only problem is you don’t know how to walk the tight rope and/or you just aren’t funny. So instead of being that devil may care understated badass your just sliding your way into the Asberger’s spectrum.

Best Examples: This Is England, Misfits

Examples to Be Ignored: N/A

Ethnic Best Friend: Andrew Shim (Milky)

Ryan Gosling

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Unlike Gilgun, you know you’re not Gosling. He’s mysterious and aloof and doesn’t seem to know the world around him or at least doesn’t care that it exists. He knows when to let silence speak for him, and allows others to conjecture about what might be going on in his head. But just when you think he’s given up on other humans he’ll come to your rescue by beating a man to death with a tire iron. The thing is you think that you could be Gosling. All you’d have to do is talk less and stare at things more and you’d have it. Well you can’t because the dude is basically an idiot savant whose special skill is being cool.

Best Examples: Drive, Blue Valentine, Crazy Stupid Love

Examples to be ignored: Lars and the Real Girl (It’s a decent movie but we don’t need sad Gosling we need badass Gosling), The Believer (He’s kind of cool in this one too, but I don’t think we’re supposed to like nazi’s)

Ethnic Best Friend: All the black and Hispanic kids in Half Nelson

Joseph Gordon Levitt

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You think that you’re being more realistic when you set sights on being JGL. I mean haven’t we all had that unattainable pre-hype Zooey Deschanel? He’s the every man. The thing is JGL plays the Everyman well but even he can’t hide his beauty. I mean look at the man; it’s like CGI. When people see their love life as Levitt’s they forget the two rules of dating. 1-Be Attractive 2-Don’t be unattractive.

Best Examples: 500 days of Summer, Uncertainty, 50/50

Examples to be ignored: 3Rd Rock from the Sun, Manic, 10 Things I Hate about You (all decent, but JGL as we know him didn’t happen till Brick)

Ethnic Best Friend: Seth Rogan if Jews count.

Ezra Miller

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Whether you’re gay or straight Ezra is who you want to be. He’s got this mysterious but at the same time gregarious attitude that just kills it. He could by a sociopath he could be your best friend, doesn’t matter. There is a confidence in him that you think you have every time you’re about to go to a club or party. The only thing is that he doesn’t cower away as soon as he gets there, unless it’s a cool Gatsby type thing. He is also the prettiest human being I’ve ever seen. He’s white Prince. On that subject, what is Prince’s ethnicity?

Best Examples: Perks of Being a Wallflower, We Need to Talk about Kevin, Another Happy Day

Examples to be ignored: Every Day

Ethnic Best Friend: Zoe Kravitz

– Cameron Patton

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