Good Evening, From Your Friendly Neighborhood Drug Dealer


Weed: “This shit is the best around. Remember when you first started buying off of me years ago? And I had those midis? This is way better. This shit’s called HeadieBeasterMidis, Orange Julius, or OJ Kush. No, it’s not orange. It’s not purple either…it’s like tan. Like tan – brown. I can get this purple shit though, I just have to wait until my boy is back in town. He’s going to California to get it. Okay, meet me at the gas station in ten minutes? Okay, cool.”

– Forty minutes later: “Hey man, I’m getting off of the exit now, I’ll be there in ten minutes. This is the best shit around I promise. I’ll hook you up a little.”

– Fifteen minutes later: “Getting off the exit, five minutes.”

Coke: “This shit is the best around. Don’t go to Crispin, his shit is lame. I promise. Come to my house, I’ll break you off a little bit. But wait, don’t come now, my mom is here. Come tomorrow.”

– Tomorrow: “Yeah, come now. It’s worth it. This shit is the best around. My mom loved it. Hold on, there’s a knock on the door. Come over.”

– Five minutes later: “Don’t come, cops here.”

– Six years later: “Yo man! I just got out. You fuck around with that shit still? This shit is the best around!”

Ecstacy: “I moved to California to DJ. I’ll be back next year. I’ll hit you up. This shits the best in the state of Utah, which is where I’m at now.”

Pills: “…And this will help you with your anxiety, take three a day as needed…”

Meth: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roofies: “Yeah, I’m the roofie guy. You need roofies? I’m the guy! Nah man, she’s good. She’s just chilling out.”
[Editor’s note: I can only imagine that’s how someone who sells roofies acts.]

Heroin: “I understand your needs, but I’m going to go ahead and let you wait till I wake up at about 1 PM. No, I don’t touch the shit, just sell it. Haha, I’ve never seen a needle, but my boy tells me this shit is the best around.”

– The next day: “Sorry dude, I was sleeping. But now I have to run out to the city, I just ran out. I’ll be back in like an hour. Nah, man I don’t touch the shit.”

– Three weeks later: “Hey man, sorry, I nodded out last night. This shit is really good! It’s not really a thing I only do like two bags a day. I just snort it. Come through in like two hours, I gotta run to the city.”

– Two months later: “Hey man, I just got out of rehab. Do you still fuck with that shit?”

-A week later: “Bags for sale.”

– Week later: “Hey man, do you have a spike for me? Also I got shit.”

– Week later: “Can you front me a bag? I’ll pay you back, my boy’s bringing me shit.”

– Hour later: “I’m so sick man, this sucks. Can you bring me something?”

– Six years later: “Yo do you still fuck with that shit? Just got out of jail. I’m gonna stay clean though, just selling it for now. Hit me up.”

– Hour later: “Yo can you front me a bag?”

– Tom Crystal

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