5 Punks Who Should Become Women

Alright, so I know this isn’t topical or whatever but when the news broke I didn’t have a website and nobody cared what I thought. Now, I have a website and nobody cares what I think so… A little while back Tom Gabel of Against Me! decided to make us all stop talking about selling out and and start talking about depenising. I’m all for her gender reassignment and I completely support the decision, maybe a little more supportive than most because I think a few more (punks?) should take the steps towards Laura and away from Tom. Also you fuckers seem to like lists, so let’s do one of those

5. John Lydon Sex Pistols, Pil

While I love PiL, John’s more whiny than ever now. I’m pretty sure she’s just my white grandma with flashier pants suits. Also, awhile back she showed some good old-fashioned lady racism towards Kele of Bloc Party, so that’s definitely helping the push a bit. I think her name should be Sidney in honor of his ex-flame and I also think she should replace Barbara Walters on the view because Whoopi and her would be A-ma-zing.

4. Brian Fallon Gaslight Anthem

She is every mediocre “rock” publications golden boy, but I think she’d be way better as a golden girl (I know that was terrible but come on puns are going to run rampant in this article). She’s spent her career making great driving music that’s basically just an excuse for journalists to say they like Bruce Springsteen and they’re down with punk, but I think with Handwritten this whole “Boss” schtick is getting a little played. So, let’s try out something new, he can start doing a Janis Joplin thing. He’s already got the raspy voice, halfway there. Now all he needs is some lady bits and some flowy shit. She could also do a Stevie Nicks thing; I’m not going to try to dictate the woman’s career, lady’s choice (told ya).

3. Ian Svenonius Nation of Ulysses, like thirty other things you should probably check out

I’m pretty sure Ian would just make an interesting looking woman, like one of those 90’s models during that whole baby dress thing that we all forgot about. She’s got that waifish physique thing down and I think her personality would make her the perfect manic pixie dream girl. Like couldn’t you see running into Ivanna (maybe to close of a name but we’ll go with it) at the supermarket and she’s all like “Aren’t shallots like dreams in the darkness of the aisles” and you’re all like I love you. I’m quitting my job as a stockbroker to go to dive bars and ride vespas in Bristol.

 2. Keith Morris Circle Jerks, Black Flag, Off!, basically anything that was on a t-shirt you wore when you were 16

Keith Morris is doing a lot of good shit lately with OFF! and everybody is in love with her again, and that’s completely cool but come on grrrl that hair, those hats, I just can’t get over it, I’ve been a fan for about a decade now and I still can’t move past it. I know a lot of crusts, and people who want to look like crusts are wearing the same look, but I’m pretty sure it should only be sported by that chick that hula hoops and sells home made soaps at the farmer’s market. Also, I’d like to give an honorable mention to Tony Alva (not sure if he counts as punk so not on the list) for the same reason. They could totally get together and do an awesome yoga class on sunday at the Co-op.

1. Fat Mike Nofx

Mike has topped this list because she has got that angry superfeminist lesbian look down. She’s also got the whole yelling part of the persona on lock, so I think it’s a perfect fit. She could become like super into some obscure cause like Women against Hot Dogs or something, and run a self-defense class on the weekends where women’s studies majors get to punch bags with picture’s of Philip Roth or Daniel Tosh on them.

That’s my list of gender reassignment hopefuls, give us some comments on your picks, or just yell at me for mine.

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