Punk’s Not Dead; You’re Just a Pussy

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Saying punk is dead has moved from a cliché over to a statement that’s just assumed. People aren’t allowed to say the word anymore. The only way it’s even mentioned is with modifiers like dance-, post-, and pop-; and even then it’s frowned upon. I figured since I’ve been listening to Negative FX, X, and Gray Matter I should step out of my bubble and defend punk’s honor. I’ll be the white knight that punk needs. Before I begin, I want to get the obvious out of the way so that I don’t need to spend unnecessary time and words later on. Stiv Bator is god, and Richard Hell is the devil. Both in awesome ways. Public Image, Minor Threat, and Black Flag were all awesome even though Lydon, MacKaye and Rollins are kind of tools now. Keith Morris is still cool. I’m not sure how, but he is. Also, so the oi punks will shut the fuck up, (like they ever would) Cock Sparrer, Clit 45, GBH, Oi Polloi, Sham 69 and Cockney Rejects; I’m not going to add context because you fuckers don’t care anyway. Without further ado, the article:

The Bands You Like Are Punk: Let’s get this straight now, all those “guitar-rock” buzz bands you like. The ones that are breaking the stranglehold that borecore and dance music have on the indie music scene. Those are just punk bands. The Men, Fucked Up, Joy Formidable, Metz: they’re fucking punk bands. We can put whatever label we want on them it won’t change the fact that they’re playing catchy songs that are fast and full of power chords. Another thing: adding modifiers doesn’t take away the root, so your post bullshit can suck GG Allin’s dick.

If it Has a Gimmick You’ll Listen To it: For some reason, adding a weird niche to a modern punk band makes them okay to listen to. Want to listen to street punk? What if we made the members black teenagers who skate? Then it would be like punk Odd Future and Vice or Pitchfork would say it’s cool. Voila, Cerebral Ballzy. I want to listen to listen to fast and catchy loud punk music. Take out the guitar player and distort the bass and you can. Voila, Death From Above 1979. What if I just want to listen to plain old punk? Let’s add a leader of the punk scene that everyone forgot to a new band and call it new music. Voila, Off!.

Philadelphia: I’ve lived up and down the east coast and have traveled the U. S. Of A. Every city has their little punk scene tucked away in the dumpster behind the Whole Foods. Even Athens, Ohio has punk bands. The thing is in Philly punk doesn’t hide; it’s fucking everything around there. Punk coffee shops, punk pizza places, punk houses, fucking punks everywhere. Maybe it’s the grimy feel of the city. Maybe it’s the New York migratory habits, but for some reason Philly will not let go of punk. Personally I think it has something to do with Ben Franklin. That dude fucked French bitches and flew kites in storms, punk as hell.

You Keep Referencing It: Punk’s kind of like fashion as long as it’s over 20 years old you can go back to it without penalty. Wear a Joy Division shirt? Completely cool. If it’s a Star Fucking Hipsters shirt people scoff at you. Playing the Misfits is fly, but roll up to the party in some studded denim is off limits and you all love Morning Glory when know one else is looking.

Other Shows Aren’t as Fun: Did you all go out to CMJ? With the exception of some of the metal shows that shit was boring. Yeah DIIV is cool but going to their show is like standing in an elevator with an attractive girl: it’s kind of nice but you’re not going to get anything out of it. People can talk about the experience of an Animal Collective or M83 show but, unless you’re on molly, that’s some boring ass shit. Now if you go to one of my boy’s shows in Cousin Brian, No Way, or Big Ups you’re gonna be all over the place having fun and breaking shit. When you’re unapologetically punk, you can get the whole crowd going with a song that consists of only the lyrics “The Dogs are Fucking” and I thank you for that Bucket Flush.

We All Want to Live The Lifestyle: Everybody wants to Eddie Murphy life and party all the time, but then we get ballads about the emptiness of the party scene. People lament about the underhanded nature of the club scene; people at fashion parties talk about how no one is a true friend. Would you like to drink yourself stupid everyday? Want to have no responsibilities? Want to fuck, fight and carry on like a perpetual teenager? Want to still have a family of friends who truly love you while all this is happening? Go fucking punk.

So now you know that punks not dead. Let’s break out those patches and safety pins. Grab the denim out of your closet and throw some safety pins in it. Liberty spike that hair. Ska kids, you should probably still chill for a bit. Besides The Specials and The English Beat nobody wants any part of your scene.

- Cameron Patton

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3 responses to “Punk’s Not Dead; You’re Just a Pussy

  1. Pingback: Is Punk Dead? : Radio Laurier·

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