The Okcupid Chronicles: Male Internet Dating

So, as some of you know I am a recent New Yorker, 2nd time listener first time caller kind of thing. So, I’ve been forced into the dating scene of the City of Lost Children (Brooklyn Burn). I decided to dust off the Okcupid, and see if I could improve my .000 online-dating batting average. What followed was a descent into self hate and self ridicule, with a hint of paprika:

Look at the fucking picture, I’m holding a damn puppy, and if there is anything women like, it’s something that they find adorable and can kill with their bare hands. So, I decided to go with that approach for my profile. I also mixed in a few Candid Cameron’s (TM) just to give a full image of me as a a person.

Message to Girl #1 :I like to people watch people who design and so what a coincidence

This one starts off strong with a good look into her interests. It’s brief, but shows that I’ve been reading her stuff. However, I love dad jokes and kind of got stopped by my own cheese factor. Also, the sentence is barely readable and it sounds like a spam message from someone who was drunk during ESL classes. Mostly, because I was drunk and spamming okcupid.

Message to Girl #2 :I see that you like Franny and Zooey and The Catcher in the Rye tell me you also read 9 stories it’s Salinger’s best. Also New Order, The Smiths, and little all the other music you posted are like my favorite things.

Again, I really need to proofread these messages, it’s like reading a coked up Gary Busey’s dream journal, and I am talking up Salinger here to get laid/wifed/companioned. It is probably the most obvious literary go-to outside of Ginsberg. Also, The Smiths really? We’re going to go all JGL on this Zooey and try to hit that with The Smiths? Everyone likes The Smiths and New Order, it’s like saying “hey I’m into ass play how bout you?”*

*Disclaimer: It is absolutely nothing like saying that.

Message to Girl #3 :I really hope I’m good at fiction writing too, I’m trying to do it as a profession and I’m not sure if that makes me crazy or not.

I decided to play all sweet and earnest on this one. I was trying to get that early 90’s sensitive black man vibe. However, I’m not sure if I have enough colorful suits and/or all white ensembles to wear in the rain.

Message to Girl #4 :I know that I’m younger than your particular age preference, but the mixture of intelligence, vulgarity and honesty told me that I should at least try to contact you. Also A lot of your favorites are mine which I think tends to count towards something. I’m personally not an artist of visual mediums but I am a writer and a musician which I guess is art in its own right.

For some reason, I got a hard-on for the older ladies, because age means life satisfaction, and that you can win in a fight against someone younger than you. I was going to mention nothing but WHAM and Activa yogurt but instead I went with blind compliments. Classy.

Message to Girl #5 :I’m intrigued by your choices in books they kind of run parallel to mine without quite intersecting

I’ll admit I just got really lazy here. This is to okcupid as Dick pics are to craiglist.

Message to Girl #6 :Why is everyone’s Salinger mention Franny and Zooey, while it’s great I feel that Nine Stories doesn’t get nearly enough love. Also A woman is woman is one of my all time favorite films, right next to Pierrout le fou

I decided to go to the old Salinger Classic and upped the anty with a little French new-wave reference. Apparently, pretention doesn’t always get you laid. Note: The opposite is true in real life. Bust out those old philosophy textbooks and hit up dem girls up hard at the club, 100% chance of pussy rain.

Message to Girl #7 :I wanted to do something interesting and funny to set myself apart from the others (those damn unseeable others) so I was going to list my favorite indonesian film actors in order of height but I couldn’t think of any so instead I’ll just say hi.

The semi-honest approach with a hint of absurdity. Maybe randomness is the key to a woman’s heart? It’s either that or Buggles.

Message to Girl #8: People seem to keep telling me I’m strange as well, but that may be because I like to randomly throw tropical fruits in the air while yelling about fair trade (that never happend) but on another not cool t-shirt, new orders a little better though. Also, it’s like really windy.

I can’t be entirely blamed for this one. I was getting tired at this point and she was wearing a Joy Division T-shirt. Originally, I was just going to say nice tits, but apparently there is no Andrew Dice Clay font.

Message to Girl #9 :Radical feminist eh? So what side do you take on the whole porn issue? Is the dom sub thing inherently degrading or is it a case by case actress decided thing? On a lighter note how do you feel about sweet salsas such as pineapple ones?

Went full political on this one. It’s a risky move, but it plays to some obvious strengths (I believe the things you believe let’s press our private parts together). I also threw in that last bit for levity. Classic Cam.

Message to Girl #10: Truthz be irrelevant you. It’s all about your interpretation of your surroundings. Which I guess is a truth so then they are relevant but only in the sense that they are relevant enough to be irrelavant, or not.

Fucking typos killing my game. I was trying to use false street rhetoric mixed with pseudo-intelligence , and some smart assness (I call that move the Brooklyner). Did not work.

Message to Girl #11 :I’m kind of really interested in your look and the type of photography you take. I mean that sincerely and not in a you’re interests are cool let’s talk kind of way. Unless you’re looking for the second sentence more, in which case, I totally mean that one.

Going meta, its risky but endearing, at least that’s what I think. I don’t have lady parts so, I can’t really judge, but come on, who wouldn’t date that?

Message to Girl #12: Probably going to end up posting a series of my okcupid messages on my website as a testament to declining sanity in the internet age. So I have to make this interesting and also try to impress you in the same shot. So I should quote some one smart. “You’re pretty and your interests coincide fairly well with my own” – Sen. Henry Clay

Full meta, with an absurdist falsely attributed quote. I do not suggest this approach. Also how sexy is it that I have a website. You know you want some of this.

I did receive one response from an earlier message. I mentioned her love of romantic literature (bleh, but she was hot and apparently had an accent, so I’ll play the game). I decided to follow up on a non-response after british girl stopped messaging me. I went with the sarcasm approach, with slight meta.

Message to Girl #13: Any favorite books you’re reading nowish? (dude how lame is that question it’s like one step away from do you come here often) New choice you are at a river and have to choose between using a boat with a whole in it or a bridge with rotten planks which do you go for and why?

Response: please just stop messaging me

Womp Womp.

2 responses to “The Okcupid Chronicles: Male Internet Dating

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